"Kewl Job Application!" joke
Q. - NAME: A. - Iam ApplyinQ. - DESIRED POSITION: A. - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. Q. - DESIRED SALARY: A. - $185, 000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. Q. - EDUCATION: A. - Yes. Q. - LAST POSITION HELD: A. - Target for middle-management hostility. Q. - SALARY: A. - Less than I'm worth. Q. - MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: A. - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. Q. - REASON FOR LEAVING: A. - It sucked. Q. - HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: A. - Any. Q. - PREFERRED HOURS: A. - 1: 30-3: 30 p. m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Q. - DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: A. - Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. Q. - MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: A. - If I had one, would I be here? Q. - DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: A. - Of what? Q. - DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: A. - I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" Q. - HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: A. - I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Q. - DO YOU SMOKE?: A. - Only when set on fire. Q. - WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: A. - Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. Q. - WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?: A. - The nearest hospital comes to mind. Q. - DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: A. - No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Sagitarian with Cancer rising.
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