"Hickphonics" joke

Southern slang, or "Hickphonics", has been approved as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.
The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English Dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage:- "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage:- "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage:- "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage:- "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage:- "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage:- "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage:- "Ah thank ah'll have a bare"
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage:- "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage:- "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage:- "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage:- "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage:- "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage:- "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage:- "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage:- "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage:- "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage:- "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... mus' be from some farn country."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage:- "He cain't breathe... give 'im some ear!"