Wooden Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once there was a boy who went to work for a captain. The Captain had a wooden leg, a hook on his hand, and a patch on his eye. Just like any old pirate. So the kid asks "How did you get your wooden leg"? The Captain replied" I got thrown over board and a SHARK ATE IT"! Then he asks " how did you get your hook"? The Captain replied"A hungry PAROTE ATE IT"! Then he asks" How did you get your patch"? The Captain replied"A bird poopped on my eye"Then he asks " How would that take your eye out"? The Captain replied"It was the FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK"!

Two drunks staggering home one night and one decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Half way through an apparition appears. "What's that on your back?" the ghost asks.
"It's a hump" says the drunk The ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and the hump disappears.
He races home and next night at the pub he tells his mate all about it. His mate is amazed and says he is going through the cemetery that night as he has a wooden leg and wants a proper leg. Again half way through the cemetery a ghost appears... "What's wrong with your leg?" he asks.
"It's a wooden leg," says the drunk.
"Have you got a Hump?" asks the ghost.
"No" replies the drunk. So the ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and says, "Here, you can have this one.

A young criminal dies in a road accident and instead of going to heaven ends up at the gates of Hell to be met by the Devil himself.' Welcome' says the Devil. The young thug is thinking to himself' this is not what I expected'.

Instead of the fire and brimstone and the gates of Hades all there was was a long corridor going off into the distance with heavy wooden doors bolted on both sides. The Devil says' You now have to choose the punishment that will be yours for all eternity to pay for your sins whilst on earth. Pick the room behind one of these doors and forever be damned!'

The Devil opens the first door to a scene that almost makes the young man sick. Tied to the wall is a man groaning in agony, there is a great hole where his stomach should be, his entrails are slowly being pulled out on to the floor by a group of evil looking dwarves.' Torture for all eternity, no thanks' thinks the young man and he signals the Devil to open another door further down the more...

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and' fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved' em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the more...

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's. The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!""What's the problem?" asks the doctor." I have no dick!"So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week. The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's wrong?" the doctor asks." I have no dick!"The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week. The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week. A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!""Why?" asks the doctor." Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out. The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate more...

This is a bit of light relief from an internal web site here at
Netscape. Apparently, it has been excerpted from "Masquerade: The
Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II," Seymour Reit (Signet,
1980):
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale
that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied
pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care,
was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks,
and aircraft.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the
last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF
plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once,
and dropped a large wooden bomb.

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée’ about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you, ” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise, ” said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into be, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.

“Hmmmmmm, ” she said softly, “That Is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I’ll see what I can do! ”