Wee Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says;"ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand! wee jordy says "aye lass that i do, but how can you tell? Well she says "i can tell by the gleam in your eye." Walking along a bit further she says to him "wee jordy i can tell you wantto give me a kiss"." well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?" "ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!"Walking along a bit further she says "wee jordy i can tell you want tomake love to me". he says, "aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!""No!" she says... "by the tilt in your kilt!"

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER by Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker. It came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word's fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's more...

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. .. perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin. .. perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin. .. perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on more...

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old. "Wanda," said Wee Willie with worshiping gaze, "you are the first
girl I have ever loved."
"Dammit," said Wanda, "I've drawn another beginner!"

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....
Please read the following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

There is no danger of a Grinch more...

For many years a guy is looking for a pure and innocent girl to marry. Finally, he meets a really nice girl, but to be sure he brings her up to his place and after some drinks he drops his pant, holds his penis in his hand and asks her what is this? She says That's a wee-wee. So convinced of her purity he marries her. He's about to get into bed with her on their honeymoon night when he drops his pajamas and holding his penis in his hand once more, he asks What's this? She replies I told you that's a wee-wee. He says, No, this is really called a cock. She says No, a cock is about eight inches long and two inches wide... yours is a wee-wee.

'Twas the fight before Christmas
when all through the house
the tension was rising
'tween in-laws and spouse.
Expecting the onslaught, she'd shopped, wrapped, and baked,
Mom verged on exhaustion, her back cramped and ached.
"This year will be perfect!" determined she vowed
Then she lined up her brood, and she ordered aloud,
"Now, listen up, kids! Clean your ears, so you'll hear it!
You'll stop all your whining and get into the spirit!"
Their kinfolk were traveling from locales afar,
to watch little Jen as she held up the Star,
Jeremiah as drummer, and Jimmy as goat,
and the rest of the rugrats playing Heavenly Host.
The pastor who cast them, though' twas said he was braver
didn't trust Baby Paul to portray the sweet Savior.
Now the eve of the holiday pageant had come.
The mock angels fluttered, the wee drummer drummed,
and drummed and he drummed until Mom thought she'd more...