Wasted Jokes / Recent Jokes

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. –Catherine Zandonella If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. –David Daye When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. –Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. –Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. –Humphrey Bogart People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. –Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would more...

A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back.
Then his wife whispers, "I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted."
The man whispers, "No I haven't, and no I'm not."
The woman replies, "Then where's your wheelchair?"

'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
'If God had more...

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years... I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in themorning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - -Frank SinatraThe problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. - -William Butler YeatsAn intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - -Ernest HemingwayAlways do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - -Ernest HemingwayYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - -Dean MartinDrunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. - -AnonymousNo animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. - -G. K. ChestertonTime is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - -Catherine ZandonellaAbstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - -Ambrose BierceReality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. - more...

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a more...

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in themorning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.-Frank SinatraThe problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.-William Butler YeatsAn intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-Ernest HemingwayAlways do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.-Ernest HemingwayYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.-Dean MartinDrunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.-AnonymousNo animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.-G.K. ChestertonTime is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.-Catherine ZandonellaAbstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.-Ambrose BierceReality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.-AnonymousDrinking provides a beautiful more...

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt,
diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about
the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to -- north, south,
east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do
drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to
wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around
checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I
don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why
get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit
around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab
them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll
never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out
there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical
too; I more...