Voice Jokes / Recent Jokes

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

At the airport for a family holiday, a man and his family settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then they heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

The man and his family picked up their luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told them that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again they gathered their carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as they were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:

"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt
to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers,
etc. And none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone
number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,
'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, put your check in the mail and we'll have a
representative over to your house in the morning.'
About 9:00 the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a
beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me.' Well the overweight fellow chased
her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.
Finally he did catch her more...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head.She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet."Hello?" she cried, but no answer."Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away... "We're down here!"

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. more...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

While in the process of robbing a house the thief heard a voice whisper, "Jesus is watching you." He quickly turned around and searched the room with his flashlight but saw no one. Going back to what he was doing he again heard the voice, "Jesus is watching you." Again he stopped and scanned the room with his flashlight. Finally he spotted a small parrot in a bird cage.
Walking over to the parrot he asked if it was the one talking to him. The little parrot bobbed his head up and down and said, "Jesus is watching you."
"I gather your name is Jesus," said the thief.
"Nope, it's Moses," replied the parrot.
"Oh please, who in the world would name their parrot Moses," the thief said.
"The same people who named their Pit Bull Jesus," was the parrot's reply.