Voice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $
139.
95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with more...

A fresh graduate was offered the job of a History Teacher in a Gujarati school. So he brought a glass of water with him in the class and started teaching in Gujarati. He showed the glass to the whole class, and asked, "Can you tell me what is this?"
Students found fun in this approach and in one loud voice responded, "Glass of Water."

Then he showed his middle finger, and asked, "What is this?'

The class in a unified voice boomed, "Your finger."

Then he dipped his finger in the water and asked, "What is this?'

The class loudly said, "Your finger in the water?"

The teacher pulled the finger out of water, kept it pointed towards earth and asked, "What is this?"

The class said, "Your finger out of water."

Then he pointed at a water drop accumulated at the figure tip about to fall, and asked again, "What is this?

The whole more...

>> Freddie Bloor
>> --------------
>>
>> Now this is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
>> whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
>> By the time they freed him he didn't feel well
>> for his private parts were mangled to hell.
>>
>> They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
>> but when they arrived there was nowt they could do.
>> What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
>> to a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice.
>>
>> But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool
>> some bright spark suggested a bionic tool.
>> A bright new electric one made out of brass,
>> though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
>>
>> So newly equipped and after a rest,
>> Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.
>> So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
>> he piled her with drink and made her feel randy.
>>
>> The girl without waiting, put more...

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weightOnly $1. 00 a poundCall (202) 208-0238The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked,' How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded,' Ten pounds.'The voice replied,' Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'. About 9: 00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating,' If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. more...

Deciding to go ice fishing, a drunk gathers his gear and walks around until he finds a large patch of ice. Heading into the center of it, he begins to saw a hole when he suddenly hears a booming voice coming out of the sky, "You will not find fish under that ice," the voice says.
Looking around and seeing no one, he begins sawing again. Again the voice speaks, "I said, there are no fish under that ice!"
Looking all around and still not seeing anyone, he once more picks up the saw and just as he's about to continue working on the hole the huge voice interrupts, "This is your third warning. There are no fish under that ice!"
Now frightened, he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No," the voice replies. "Well, who are you then?" he asks the voice.
"I am the manager of this hockey rink!"

DIETING
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" to which the man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all more...

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so more...