Voice Jokes / Recent Jokes
Stan had felt guilty all day. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The sense of guilt was overwhelming. Every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him. "Stan," he thought to himself, "don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality. "Moo."
An attractive young lady was having difficulty keeping her skirt down about her shapely legs while awaiting a bus on a windy street corner. She was aware of a man watching her discomfort with considerable interest and she addressed him in an irritated voice: "It is obvious, sir, that you are no gentleman."
With appreciation in his voice, the man replied, "It's obvious that you're not either."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you. ”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you. ”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that? ” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep, ” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you. ”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the more...
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A: more...
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.
Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p. a. system -
"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.
The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"
He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
"Will the IDIOT on the p. a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."