Voice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Thought 1 #
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2 #
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is
going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Thought 3 #
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, more...

This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school. The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. "Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver" he says in a slurred voice. Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.
The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door. In a slurred voice the boy says, "Hello Mr Busdriver!" To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.
The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off. The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver. The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks, "My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?". The bus driver says in a slurred voice, "He keeps more...

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town.
As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer".
The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree more...

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE more...

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What`s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That`s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts-they're complimentary."

(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...