Upon Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hamlet's Cat's SoliloquyTo go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether' tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portal's opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the household's petty plagues, The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom, The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, more...

Once upon a time, there lived a little red man, and he lived in a little red house. He was having a bath in his little red bath tub when the doorbell rang. So he got out of his little red bath tub and put his little red towel around his waist. He ran down his stairs and opened the door to the milkman. Suddenly, his towel slipped off, and the milkman gasped in horror and ran for his life. He darted across a road, still terrified, and was tragically run over. The moral of the story: Never cross the road when the little red man is flashing!

    A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven.
    A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest.   He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanningthe preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
    The preacher is astonished and replies, "ButI am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely Irate higher than a cabbie."
    St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results.   When you preached, people slept.   When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

by Every guy in America: 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to includesomething from each of the four major male food groups: * ** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. * **3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any more...

I got this joke from a roommate of mine, Keith Brown.
He acquired it when he went back to his hometown to
substitute teach at his high school. Sitting in the
teacher's lounge, they were telling jokes and the
principal told this one...
One day, an elderly woman went in to the main Citibank office
in downtown New York City and asked the window teller if she
could speak to the president of the bank. Upon being questioned
as to why she needed to see him, the elderly woman said that
she wished to deposit seven million dollars.
The teller then rushed back to the president and said that
there was a woman who wished to deposit seven million dollars
and that she wished to see the president. Naturally, the
president excitedly said, "Well, send her right in!"
After the elderly woman and the president had talked for some
time about security and insurance and whatnot, she started to
fill out some papers. By this time the more...

Once upon a time, a man happened upon a magical lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out.
"Are you going to give me three wishes?" the man asked.
"No," said the genie. "I am a rare and mystical question genie. I am way more honorable than a simple wish genie! You may ask me three questions."
The man thought for a while about what he wanted to ask. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to unlock the secrets of the world.
Finally, he said, "Okay, here's what I want to know: What is the cure for the common cold? How can perpetual motion be created? And where can a fuel source, that is clean and reusable and will replace all the others, be found?"
The genie nodded and walked off. Puzzled, the man came after him.
"Hey," he said somewhat angrily, "aren't you going to answer my questions?"
The genie stopped and looked at him with an incredulous expression; "Who the hell do you think I am? A more...

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed more...