Traffic Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was. When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"
A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him".
"Oh really?
How much have you collected so far?"
"I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons."
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol. . .
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS".
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner. . .
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history. . .
(2) He puked on my uniform one night. . .
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the more...
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of Downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House..."
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Battle or Peachtree Corners.
4. Atlanta is the home of Coca Cola. That’s all we drink here, so don’t ask for any other soft drink... unless it’s made by Coca Cola.
5. Atlantan`s only know their way to work and their way home.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It’s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don’t feel lost.... they’re just more...
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is more...
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!