Traffic Jokes / Recent Jokes

- If you have cleared the entire house (or apartment), encountered no resistance and have not cussed out once, you hit the wrong house.
- The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it!
- Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
- Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
- You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
- Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
- The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
- The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
- Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
- If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
- To err is human, more...

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The guy replied...
"I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!"

Time for answering the questions is twenty minutes. Answer all the questions, and answer them honestly. Please remember you're trying to become a cop, for Christ's sake!!

1. At the time of traffic accidents, I can shut out the outside world and focus completely on milking the situation for profit - ignoring all damage to public property and loss of life or limb.

yes no.

2. I have no problem with roasting in the hot summer sun for hours, in clothes that are two sizes too small.

yes no.

3. My waist size is (in inches)

46 78 223

4. I can effortlessly switch between' aggressively rude',' condescending' and' sickeningly, groveling polite', depending on the social standing of the person I am talking to at the moment.

yes no.

5. If you come across a multiple traffic violation that includes drunken driving, driving without a license and loss to property, how would you evaluate the more...

When you sneeze, air and particles travel through the nostrils at speeds over100 mph. During this time, all bodily functions stop, including your heart, contributing to the impossibility of keeping one's eyes open during a sneeze.

Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%

%60 of all people using the Internet, use it for pornography.

In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats.

Sex burns 360 calories per hour.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured each year in the United States. If these were laid end to end more...

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

The Top 10 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver10> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.9> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.8> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.7> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."6> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.5> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you.4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.and the Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver...1> Every time your cell more...

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, ''Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.''
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, ''Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?''
The Officer replies, ''The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.''
''Oh really? How much have you collected so far?''
''So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!''