Tongue Jokes / Recent Jokes
The congregation of a certain Presbyterian church took pride in their pastor's brief, to the point sermons.
For years he preached for exactly 15 minutes, briefly prayed, then launched into the final hymn. One Sunday, however, he preached for 45 minutes. He suddenly stopped, reddened a bit, bowed his head and gave the final prayer. When he got home, his wife lit into him.
She asked, "What on earth happened this morning?"
Chagrin all over his face, the preacher explained, "I usually put a cough drop under my tongue just before I begin to speak. When it has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, I discovered too late that I put my collar button under my tongue."
School DazeIt was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.The florist`s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That`s right" the boy said, "but how did you know?""Oh, just a wild guess," she said.The next pupil was the candy shop owner`s daughter.The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.""That`s right, but how did you know?" asked the girl."Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue."Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy replied, with some excitement.The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her more...
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN.....
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel
like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, more...
Online computer users may engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through internet phone lines get pretty raunchy However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does.................
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK... sure.
Sweetheart: We're more...
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."
The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''
Baby snake to its mother: are we poisonous?
Mother: why?
Baby: because i've just bitten my tongue!