Tis Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck,
    and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an
    intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person
    who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis
    bottle."
    Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad. "I
    absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three
    surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in
    the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the
    coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest
    mountain. I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to
    bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten
    million."
    Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.
    First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him
    into the jungle. He studies for months to prepare, and when he
    is more...

    'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.

    It's Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions, and there are four nuns in the lineup. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I should let you know right off that I touched a man with my finger!"
    "Oh lass!' Tis nothin', you could have been in a crowded elevator or some similar place," the priest says.
    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I touched him right on his private parts!" >
    "You slut! You filthy tart!" screams the good father. "Say a hundred Hail Mary's and dip your finger in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she does.
    The second nun enters the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I want to say that I held a man with my hand."
    "Oh lass!' Tis nothin', you might have stumbled and he lent you a hand," the priest says.
    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I more...

    THE TRAGIC COMEDIE OF KING LEER

    Scene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.

    Witch Tripp:
    Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
    I think I got the Creep in trouble.
    Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
    Could it be he broke some law?
    Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
    Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!

    Hark! Who trespasses so near?

    Kenneth of Starr:' Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?

    Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden
    Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in like
    pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.

    Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves
    than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the
    economie, doth o'erlook much.

    Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?

    Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else more...

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