Sticking Jokes / Recent Jokes

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, "There is really no justice in the world." The other little old lady says, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady says, "Look at that - When I was 20 - I was curious about it. When I was 30 - I enjoyed it. When I was 40 - I asked for it. When I was 50 - I paid for it. When I was 60 - I prayed for it. When I was 70 - I forgot about more...

NICE HONEST JACK IS WALKING ALONG THE STREET WHEN HE SEES BOBBY
"HI BOBBY"
BOBBY REPLIES "ALRIGHT THERE JACK ME LAD"
AT THIS POINT JACK LOOKS DOWN AND IS AMAZED, JACKS SEES THAT BOBBY HAS A STERING WHEEL STICKING OUT OF HIS FLIES
"BOBBY DO YOU KNOW THERES A STERING WHEEL STICKING OUT OF YOUR FLIES"
AT THIS BOBBY REPLIES " YEH I KNOW ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!"

* I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
* My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
* I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.
* I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out.
* I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
* Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.
* Sorry Boss I can't come into work today... my spirit guide says work is for losers!
* There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.
* I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.
* I can't more...

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor`s door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn`t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can`t do the paper because you`re not sure if the more...

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that.

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I more...

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"