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Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man
who had recently passed away. One cannibal says, "
Look at this! You start
at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."
So
the two cannibals start eating. After a half an hour one stops eating,
looks up and says, "
I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you
doing?"
The other cannibal answers, "
This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"
The other cannibal says, "
Hey, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

This Poor Innocent Guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30-minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the more...

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics". The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case...

you don't drink water, you drink H2O.

you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.

you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak Hydrochloric acid spills happen.

you become very agitated when people refer to air as Oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.

instead of writing ozone you write O3.

you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.

you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.

you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor." Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl." Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible." "Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash' possible'!!!"

Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
"My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!"
The second guy waves this off and says:
"My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!"
The third guy waves both of them off and says:
"My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!"
They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:
"My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and he's gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, more...