Stands Jokes / Recent Jokes

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run.... run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. ” “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive. ” “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think.. . . ” “POOF”

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho MarxWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H. L. MenckenWhat's new? Most of my wife. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- GuitryWhen marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house. Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs. You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run.... run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!

David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he hasn't had any
lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as
Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He
tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of
the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse
and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the
stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as his head is
struck against the ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered
against the ground. He is mere more...

The The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
The number Mhz required for the OS to run.
And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for... (Drum roll please...)
The year it was *DUE* to ship.