Single Jokes / Recent Jokes

Suddenly Single
Suzie and Carol, two widows in a Hendon adult community centre, were curious about the latest arrival - a quiet, nice-looking man who, most of the time, kept to himself.
Carol said to Suzie, "You know I`m shy. Why don`t you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks so lonely." Suzie agreed.
So she walked up to him and said, "Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"I`m lonely,” he said, "Because I`ve spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You`re kidding me! What ever for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I poisoned her."
"And, if I may ask, what about your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell out the window."
"Oh my goodness," said Suzie.
Then turning to her friend more...

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked
for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the
full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a
manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me
that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who
responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the
real saint.
Mother also taught the IF... THEN... ELSE structure: "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just
wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
we'll wash these socks out right more...

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10) The entire more...

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill, "what happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Good Doggie "One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, more...

A Minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you aregoing to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."

The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said, "Power."

The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex."

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny more...

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control more...

The greatest spectacle in sports, The Indy 500 (auto race) will be held next weekend. It is probably the single biggest party in the world (about 500,000 people attend). The race is almost secondary to the general debauchery that occurs. It seems like everyone shows up with a case of Budweiser and an attitude.
They allow spectators into the infield of the track, which is amazing since they can't see a single car the entire time. Those folks go just to party. There is one infamous area of the infield called the Snake Pit, where the motorcycle gangs hang out and cops don't even dare to go in alone.
Being from Indianapolis I have always gone to the race. Our family has the same seats in the stands every year, though I'm usually the only one who uses them. I've always taken my rowdy friends and had a good ole time.
This year, my wife has invited her parents to go with us. This will certainly put a big cramp in my race day style, so I created the following ripoff on Letterman's more...