Rats Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon more...

    Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
    Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don’t get as attached to them.

    One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.


    C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers to rats:

    1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)

    2. They are easier to train.

    3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one, too.)

    4. There are some things a rat won’t do.

    College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

    ...the bird flu & other unexpected changes in Vietnam's food chain & diet has sparked a rodent eating bonanza...now the ratatouile comes with real rats.

    Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
    Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
    Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
    Hand me that...uh...that uh... thingie.
    Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
    Rats, there go the lights again...
    Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
    Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off!
    What's this doing here?
    That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
    I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
    Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
    Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
    Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
    OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
    Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    She's gonna blow! more...

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