Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

An ultra Orthodox couple met their rabbi at their temple to consult their upcoming wedding. they had one problem that they needed to ask the rabbi about.
"Rabbi," said the man, "my fiance and I really want to dance together at our celebration, can we?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the rabbi "The men and women have to dance seperately to be modest and dignified!"
"Fine," says the woman. Then a huge question comes up on her mind. "Can we have sex?"
"Absolutely," says the rabbi, "reproduction is a mitzvah!"
"Even before marriage?" says the man.
"It's all a mitzvah."
"Woman on top?"
"A mitzvah."
"On the kitchen table?"
"It still doesn't change the fact that it's a mitzvah, so go right ahead."
"How about standing up?"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" yells the rabbi.
"Why?" both partners more...

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal",
said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the Messiah more...

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.' Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.' Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.' Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.' Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.' Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi.' A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.' Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.' Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' The man protested:' What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'' No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.'

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbileans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.""Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi."I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I mightbe made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously."Is there any way that you might go higher than that?""If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal""Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could beelected Pope, but..."So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?""What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother saysyour prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does shesay?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and... took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.
The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied, "With whom?"

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.The Hindu says,' I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn.' So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says,' There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.'So, the Rabbi says,' I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.' A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow...