Quick Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Q: What is the fastest way to a man's heart?
    A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
    The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
    A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
    Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
    "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
    The ranger more...

    (Row Row Row Your Boat)
    Roll, roll, roll your joint
    twist it at the end,
    take a puff,
    that's enough and pass it to a friend.
    Little Jack Horner sat in the corner playing with himself,
    he stuck his thumb up his ass
    and found his uncles underpants
    and said "What a good boy am I"
    Mary Mary quite contrary
    shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
    Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow
    I live in a flat you fucking twat so how the fuck should I know
    Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow
    With wizz and e's and ganja trees and coke as white as snow
    Mary had a little lamb her cow had B.S.E
    Mary was a kiky slut and gave them H.I.V
    Abraham Lincoln was a good old man.
    He hopped out the window with his Dick in hand.
    He said, "Excuse me ladies,
    just doing my duty
    so why not pull down your pants
    and give me some booty."
    Hickory Dickory more...

    The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

    Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

    After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

    "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

    A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

    "Well, of course," said her companion. more...

    REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsoft's upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it would rename the upgrade - formerly known as Windows 95 - to WinEver.
    "There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.
    Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace - they have failed to deliver a strategy for their product."
    When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "Whenever." The spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter since WinEver is more...

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