Project Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you get in my way, I'll kill you! - ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me! - somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you! - somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you! - A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you. - dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can! - messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all! - suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way. - thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I'll get in your way. - project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. - project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. - project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who more...

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough m. f. project manager
(eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
-dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
-messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
-suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
-thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I'll get in your way.
-project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
-project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way,
so no one will get killed.
-project manager who is about to get in big more...

Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie deep in the heart of the Amazon rain forest. The costs involved in transporting the multitude of movie making equipment to the site were immense. On top of that, he had a cast of thousands to feed and clothe. It was his most expensive production yet and he sank his entire personal fortune into the project.
The biggest expense was building an exact replica of an Ancient city in the middle of the jungle. No expense was spared to make the city authentic.
The climax of the movie was to be the complete destruction of the city in a dramatic fire. Since Spielberg planned to actually burn the city to the ground, there was only one chance to film it. He set up four cameras:
"Camera one, I want you up in the helicopter to get an overhead shot of the whole scene."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera two, I want you at the edge of the clearing for a medium range shot."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera more...

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project
manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you, I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
- project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so
no one will get killed.
- project manager who is about to get in big more...

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...

It's the late 1980's, and this technician's boss at a nonprofit agency has a brainstorm.
"He wanted to provide a menu-driven telephone system that would let local boaters and fishermen call in for information on river levels," says the tech.
His further comments: "I was invited to a lunch with the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the targeted rural population had touch-tone phone service. .. a must-have for menu-driven phone systems. As I remember, the chicken salad was delicious and the project was never discussed again."

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tyre. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: “Let’s catch a cab and in ten minutes we’ll reach our destination. ”
The computer programmer said: “We have here the driver’s guide. I can easily replace the flat tyre and continue our drive. ”
The computer operator said: “First of all, let’s turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem. ”
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: “Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again. ”