Perhaps Jokes

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    A Shorter, Harsher Titanic

    (Scene 1)

    KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

    KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named' Picasso.' I am certain he will amount to nothing.

    KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

    LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

    KATE: Thank you. So are you.

    LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my' brooding' face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

    KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and more...

    If you like British humor! This is really good!
    The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".
    Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
    The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...
    Ms Smith: "Good morning."
    Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
    Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
    Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
    Ms Smith: more...

    The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them. Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.
    April 18, 1994
    Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 9;;;;,-;;;;,
    Dear John:
    You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
    But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
    The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
    Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from more...

    The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father-- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive at any time. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."

    Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the doorbell...

    Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

    Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

    Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

    Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of more...

    Marriage Quotes 3
    A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry
    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
    An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry
    The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
    If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn
    Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
    Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver more...

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