Ouch Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following was contributed by Emil: A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman,"cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have alarge whiskey please, barman." The man takes his whiskey and downs it. "Same again?" asks the barman. "Okay" says the man and downs the second. He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both. In fact in totalhe downs 27 whiskeys. "Do you want another?" asks the barman. "No I don't think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the tasteI don't think that another one will!"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a prettygirl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk." That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little oldman standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviouslymuch better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a' gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club memberswere amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100." What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeingup for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his handbetween my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling' Gotcha!' Have you evertried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second' gotcha'?"
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT!
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes?