Noise Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, `The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.`

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, `The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.`

And the Irishman was thinking, `This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I`ll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard more...

A group of young children was sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr..it goes.. click!"

One day john, peter, and jason went to the class room to take their money on their desk.
the first person, john went in and suddenly a noise said this money is mine and it belong to the table.
the second person, peter went in and suddenly a noise said this money is mine and it belong to the table.
the third person, jason went in and suddenly a noise said this money is mine and it belong to the table.then jason said this its mine and it belong to my pocket.

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer. ..-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night. .. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat more...

Radar: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."Pilot: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"Radar: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

This list is a general disclaimer for any wives or girlfriends who happen upon a copy of this:

1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore more...

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees..""But Center, we are at 35, 000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"