Mouth Jokes / Recent Jokes

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. " I know
this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm
sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female
horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith
looking horth, can I thee her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget
and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok, what about the
earth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one
more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the
horse's ass, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like
to see her run!"

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
20. Move your mouth when you're silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

The Hypnotized Fly From New Delhi to Bombay came a very dirty train. The train had many animals in the corredors, and many people eating and making more garbage. In one cabin, there were a Chinese man and a Jewish man sitting one in front of the other. Suddenly a fly alit on the Chinese man`s head, and using his kung fu, he hypnotized the fly only with his eyes. Then he took the fly, opened his mouth, looked at the Jewish man, and ate it. Five minutes later came another fly, and the Chinese guy did the same thing. The next fly landed, this time on the Jewish`s mans head. He did the same thing; with his eyes he hypnotized the fly, took it, opened his mouth, looked at the Chinese guy, and asked, "Do you want to buy it?"

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog more...

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking more...