Monitor Jokes / Recent Jokes
Calling me with a question - $10
Calling me with a stupid question - $20
Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00
Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00
Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my
end somehow - $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
problem - $45/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that more...
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."
Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.
"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.
When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from more...
Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."What sort of trouble?"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words wentaway."Went away?"They disappeared."Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"Nothing."Nothing?"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"How do I tell?"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"What's a sea-prompt?"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."Does your monitor have a power indicator?"What's a monitor?"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a little light that tells you when it's on?"I don't know."Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord goes into it. Can you see that?... more...
The Story....
A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident....
but the gal `s name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This guy
grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20? s, achievement in
itself!!.
He hired developers from the whole globe and plan to make a
software where he could search for his gf through the web..
Things went as planned...
n he found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years!!
It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google had a
word with this guy n took over this application,
This Software made a whopping 1 billion dollars profit in its first year,
which we today know as ORKUT.
The guy `s name is ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN. Yes its named after him only. Today he is paid a hefty sum by Google for the things we do like scrapping. He is expected to b the richest person by 2009.
ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN today has 13 assistants more...
1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Verklemmt". 2. When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Schtopped" message. 3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles". 4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels). 6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. 7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!". 8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes" 9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!" 10. During Passover, your PC would more...
One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge.
Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.
When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.
On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank.
Satan got really angry and complained to God.
God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"