Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes
The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent....
1. His shoe keeps ringing.
2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week.
3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter.
4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled.
5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again.
6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit.
7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack.
8. "Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh..."
9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens.
10. Favourite phrase is "Yeah, baby... yeah!"
Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they weregreeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard. Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy. The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some goodnews and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone."Well, give me the good news first," replied the other."The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply."And the bad news?""Mine died"
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship."Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scotwinked at his mate."Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."
Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they call someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions (that vary from couple to couple) and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"? or what?, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please,
Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is more...
Los Angeles: It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison)(Dumb Laws - California)
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote: "The first mate was drunk today."
He begged and plead the captain to remove that entry, but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the ship's log it couldn't be deleted. Being unable to get clean, the first mate decided to get even.
The next time it was the first mate's turn to write the log, he wrote: "The captain was sober today."