Martin Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

Im not rich like Jack, dont have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin!

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question,' Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?' His Father wrote back,' Of course it is. Why do you ask?' Martin answered,' Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

Kay Martin, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking.

The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. But, there were no chickens anywhere. Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen - coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier.

"It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave," she says. "It was so bizarre I just froze."

As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact.

"Steam was coming up the more...

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "Ill bet youre back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dads reply, "Im gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like youve been doing to me all these years."

The following is an excerpt from a 1986 Saturday Night Live skit, the speaker being Steve Martin. If I could have one wish for christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sings in unison all with smiling faces.
If I could have just two wishes for christmas, the first one would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing while happy and smiling, the second would be for 30 million dollars to be given to me on a monthly basis, deposited in a swiss bank account.
If I could have just three wishes for christmas the first would be for all the children to hold hands and sing, the second for 30 million dollars to be deposited monthly in my bank account, and the third would be to have absolute power over all the creatures of the earth and sky and the whole universe.
If I could have four wishes for christmas, the first would definately be that children crap, the second would be the 30 million dollars, the third would be absolute power more...