Library Jokes / Recent Jokes

Real bathroom graffiti found all over the place. Wheefun. The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina. I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Unknown origin. To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona. It's more...

A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An' R'! They left out the' R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter' R'. .. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You're one of THEM!"6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"7. Read your book. Upside down.8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the more...

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hopedto attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you pleasetell me where your library is at?" The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply." "Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?" Sent by Randy

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your office is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the more...

The Heavy Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but more...