Left Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two elderly gentlemen had been without sex for several years, so they decided to visit a cat-house for some action.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided that there was no way she was going to waste any of her girls on these two old geezers. So, she used blow-up dolls instead. She put one in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they headed home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had must have been dead. She didn't move, talk or even groan. How did it go for you?"
The second man replied, "I'm POSITIVE my girl was a witch."
"What do you mean?" asked the first man.
"Well, when I nibbled on her boob, she left out a fart and flew out the damn window!" the second man exclaimed.
Santa's Left Hand Was In Plaster. Banta Thought That He Should Say Something To Santa. So He Said,"Good Thing It Was Your Left Hand Otherwise It Would Be Difficult If It Was Your Right Hand"
Santa Said, " Yeah, I Saw My Right Hand Going In The Machine So I Pulled It Out And I Put My Left Hand In It!
A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.
Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a more...
This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many more...
You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar. You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left! You have no savings left because you used it to prepare. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one and five dollar bills. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water. You were depressed because nothing happened !!
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem? ”
“My mother died in August, ” he said, “and left me $25, 000. ”
“Gee, that’s tough, ” he replied.
“Then in September, ” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90, 000. ”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed. ”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15, 000. ”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad. ”
“Then this month, ” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing! ”
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main hallway and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left.
A doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old an so he would stay upright. The old man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward.
Then a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned, "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."