Land Jokes / Recent Jokes

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a more...

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 lb. â??possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a. 66 Ford Fairlane
b. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c. 64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is more...

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said' Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth"Mickey retorted " I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!

The titanic is going to sink.... everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to god... Just then an italian asks the nearby, santa in the ship. Italian: how far is land from here? Santa: two miles. Italian: only two miles, then why are these fools making so much noise. The italian dives into the sea and then comes back to ask something again. Italian: just tell me which side is the land two miles from here? Santa: downwards......

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that`s three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie`s eye, `POOF` the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie`s eye, `POOF` there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I`m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it`s about 15, 000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- more...

Help.... The titanic is going to be drowned.... Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to god... Just then an italian asks the nearby sardarji in the ship. Italian: how far is land, from here? Sardarji: two miles. . Italian: only two miles, then why are these fools making noise. I have Got the experience of swimming even more. The italian jumps off the ship Into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. Italian: just tell me which side, is land two miles from here? Sardarji: downwards......

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.