Jumps Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them. DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up. OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers more...

Sven and Ole decided to go parachuting. Sven jumps first, pulls his parachute cord, slowly drifts in the air, and enjoys the view.
Ole jumps after him, pulls his parachute cord but nothing happens. He pulls it again, this time as hard as he can, still nothing. He pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either.
He passes by Sven like a speeding bullet.
Sven looks at him, and while unbuckling his parachute off his shoulders, says "Sooo, you want to race, do you???"

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She hops out of her car, rushes up to his truck, and knocks on the window. The trucker lowers his window and she says, "Hi, my name is Julie and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the trucker stops for another red light, the same blonde catches up, jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the window. Once more, the trucker lowers his window. Acting as if they've never spoken, the blonde cheerfully says, "Hi, my name is Julie and you're losing some of your load." Again, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. Panting, the blonde jumps out of her car, rushes up to his truck, and knocks on the window. The trucker lowers his window and she again says, "Hi, my name is Julie and you're losing some of your load!"
As soon as the light turns green, the more...

Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are. 1-AMBITIOUS - Always ready for a fart. 2-LAZY - Just fizzles3-AMIABLE - Likes to smell others farts4-SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling own farts5-CARELESS - Farts in church6-SMART ALEC - Farts when ladies are present. 7-CLEVER - Farts and coughs at same time8-SCIENTIFIC - Bottles own farts9-STINGY - Belches instead of farting to save asshole10-FOOLISH - Farts and laughs. 11-SHY - Blushes even when farts silently. 12-CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart loudest. 13-UNLUCKY - Tries to fart and shits pants. 14- TIMID - Jumps when farting. 15-BEWILDERED - can't tell own farts from others. 16-SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles, rots pants. 17-NERVOUS - Stops in middle of fart. 18-MISERABLE - Can't fart19-CONFUSED - Face looks so much like ass, Farts don't know where to go. 20-GROUCH - Grumbles when ladies fart. 21-SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog. 22-DISAPPOINTED - Their farts don't stink. 23-FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you and more...

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he`s falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn`t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he`s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds? An elephant with hiccups!