Jumps Jokes / Recent Jokes
Santa, Banta and one of their friends are patients in a mental institution and are preparing for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If they pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes them to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then Banta jumps and breaks both legs.
Santa looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You`re a free man. Just tell me why didn`t you jump? ” asked the doctor.
To which Santa answered, “Well Doc, I can`t swim! ”
A woman is dancing happily down the railroad tracks, singing to herself "...21. ..21. ..21..."
After a little while, an Antartian walks up to her. She observes for a minute and then asks, "What are you doing?"
The woman does not answer and keeps singing "...21. ..21. ..21. .." So the Antartian jumps on the tracks and follows her dancing and starts singing "...21. ..21. ..21. .." A little later a train comes down the tracks. The woman jumps off, but the Antartian keeps dancing and singing to her self and gets hit by the train.
The woman gets back on the track and starts dancing and singing again, "...22. ..22. ..22. .."
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door. The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?" The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door. The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear. He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" Says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino more...
The head psyciatrist at a mental institution is preparing to give three patients an exam. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. Should they fail, they will remain institutionaized for an additional five years.
The doctor leads the three patients to a diving board overlooking a pool that doesn't contain any water and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps off the board into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and ends up breaking both legs.
The third patient looks over the side of the board and flatly refuses to jump.
"Congratulations!" You are now a free man," says the doctor. "Just tell me why you wouldn't jump."
"I can't swim, doc," replies the third patient.
An Englishman, Frenchman, Texan, and Mexican are flying on a small plane with their friends. Near the end of the flight, they notice two engines catch fire.
The pilot comes out and says, "One of our engines caught fire, and we need to have three people jump in order to save the rest of the passengers.
The Englishman stands up, yells, "Long live the queen!", and jumps out.
The Frenchman stands up, yells, "Viva la France!", and jumps out.
The Mexican stands up, and looks out of the door, considering jumping, when the Texan pushes him out, and yells, "Remember the Alamo!"