Judge Jokes / Recent Jokes

Judge: Are you defending yourself?
Defendant: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.
Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

' If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.'

' It's in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.

' Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?'

' Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.'

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,' Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'

' I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.'

' But, I did send them.'

' What? You did?' said the lawyer, incredulously.

' Yes. That's how we won the case.'

' I don't understand,' said the lawyer.

' It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, more...

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

A father fresh from another irrational court ruling comes into a bar. Angrily he shouts "I think all family court judges are assholes!!"

A slurred response from the back of the bar is heard: "I resent that!"

The father peers into the back and asks "Why, are you a family court judge?"

"No," the voice slurs, "I'm an asshole."

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers, Santa and Banta.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both, Santa and Banta squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, advocate Santa, gave me Rs 60,000. And you, advocate Banta, gave me Rs 50,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Santa, and stated, "Now then, I'm returning Rs 10,000, and we're going to decide this case strictly on its merits."

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.
The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!".
The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".
So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"
The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"