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for all of you with any money left...
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2004:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott more...

Here is a table of terms used by headhunters and orher people who are hiring new folks:
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITIONYou'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANYYou'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANYWe want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLANOnce it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARYWe remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANYWe have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADERInc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENINGThe person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTERWe're not going to supply you with more...

Why do you want to join the NavyHaving passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor,? Why do you want to join the Navy, son???My father said it`d be a good idea, sir.??Oh? And what does your father do???He`s in the Army, sir.?

The other day Prem was having his usual morning walk along the Galle Face green. When he is walking
near the old parliamentary bulding he heard a voice,
"Oh.. i, Premadasa, come here man"
Bit surprized, and at the same time a bit angry he looked around to see who this guy dared to address
the Prime Minister (he was the PM then) by name. Only JR and Hemavo did call him by name. He saw
nobody, because it's still very early in the morning and Galle Face green is almost empty of people. So,
he started his walk again and only after few steps he heard the same voice, loder this time,
"Oh.. i, Premadasa, don't you hear me. Come here man."
Puzzled, he looked around and stood agaped when he saw that it was the statue of D. S. calling him.
"Premadasa, you should bring me a horse tomorrow, it's a long time since I had a horse ride."
"Eh. Yeh.. Yes, sir. Eh. I d.. d.. definitely will." stammered Prem and was more...

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?" "Well Pastor, more...

Moshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country club near his home. He goes in and is turned down flat because he does not meet their "standards." So he enrolls in the finest schools to learn the art of being culturally rich. Moshe learns to cook the finest of foods, appreciate the best art, drive the best car, wear the classiest suits, etc. He even hires Professor Henry Higgins to educate him in the proper speech and behavior.The big day arrives. Martin James Roget arrives at the country club forhis interview. "Tea?" the interviewer asks. "Earl Grey, hot please." "Hobbies?" "Polo, racket ball, hunting." "Religion?" "Goy."

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes.
The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your more...