Jew Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
    "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

    Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair. He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?" Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew. Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown. First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900. 00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great ", says PeterNext the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!" The price...$3, 000. I'll need more...

    There were two good friends (roommates, actually) at a University. One of them was a Chinese and the other was a Jew.
    One day they went drinking and had a little too much. Upon staggering back home, they got into some stupid mindless argument. One thing led to another and suddenly the Jewish guy was pummeling the Chinese. Finally, exhausted, the Jewish guy stopped.
    The Chinese, black eyes and all, opened one eye with some effort and asked him, "Why did you beat me"?
    The Jewish guy replied, "That was for Pearl Harbour".
    "But they were Japanese,. .." exclaimed the Chinese.
    "Japanese, Chinese, all the same thing", replied the Jewish guy.
    Some time went by. Again they went drinking and had a little too much. Once again there was the crazy mindless argument. They broke into a fight as soon as they reached home. This time the Chinese guy had the upper hand and almost did the Jewish guy in.
    Finally, winded, the more...

    A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following
    an interfaith meeting.
    The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I Have four sons. One more and
    I'll have a basketball team."
    The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's
    nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
    To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17
    wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

    Two Jews are stranded on a desert island. They build three synagogues --- one for the orthodox Jew, one for the reform Jew, and one that neither one of them will ever set foot in!

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