Heaven Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after more...

A woman dies and goes to Heaven. While St. Peter is processing her, she hears a man screaming out in pain. She glances into the room and sees them drilling holes in the man's shoulders to fasten his wings.
Then, she hears a woman screaming. Again she glances into the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's head to fasten her halo.
"I've changed my mind," the woman exclaims. "I don't want to go to Heaven. I'll go to the other place."
"I don't think you want to go down there," St. Peter replies. "They rape and sodomize you there."
"I don't care," she says. "At least I already have the holes for that!"

Forest Gump goes to heaven...The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says,
"Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.1) What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2) How many seconds are there in a year? 3) What is God's first name?"Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days in the week begin
With the letter "T"?
That one's easy.
That'd be Today and Tomorrow."The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims!!
"Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but...
I'll give you credit for that answer."How about the second one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?""Now that one's more...

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon more...

Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland -
dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept
her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet,
depriving him of all the foods he loved.
As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a
tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, "Your new
home," St. Peter told them.
Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this
going to cost us?"
"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily,
representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
"What are the green more...

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The Marine said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second Marine. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the Marine's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The SgtMaj replied: "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" The SgtMaj smiled, "Oh, when I die! Why...yes Father. Shit, I thought you were getting a working party together to go right now!"

Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said,
'You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly'
Saint Peter looked at Dave.
'You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.'
Next Saint Peter looked at John.
'You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.'
Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
'You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.'
A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, more...