Half Jokes / Recent Jokes
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease... Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date." Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder. Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. Your cow demands to be branded with the' Golden Archs Logo'. Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket. Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it. Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards. Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars. Your more...
· Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon! · Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland!
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now name another.
Class: Another reindeer! · Teacher: That`s quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don`t know teacher. What will you give me? · Teacher: You aren`t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I`m having trouble listening! · Teacher: What is the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16! · &am
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe more...
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir". "Oh, really? Why did you leave more...
A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, "Why are you so late?"
"Oh," said one boy, "we were helping an old man cross the street."
"That`s a nice thing for scouts to do," said the mother. She paused. "But it shouldn`t make you half an hour late."
"Well, you see," said another boy, "he didn`t want to go."
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.