Hair Jokes / Recent Jokes
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMANI'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much more...
My spouse died of laughter after reading the mail. This is what
I pulled out of her dead grasp:
Dear Friend:
You're not surprised when he calls. Even if you
forgot his number, you know he's remembered yours.
You've got the right look. The right length. The
right vee. The right tee.
The spice. The scent. The savvy. The shape.
The point. The polish. The object. The art.
The legs. Eyes. Hips. Lips. The haute clothes.
Heiress hair. The look of luxe everywhere.
Not to mention (though he doesn't know it) the lacy
bra. The racy teddy. The high-impact smolder. The
high-impact flair.
It's all part of who you are.
You get promoted sooner. You look ten pounds thinner.
You have luscious lashes. Thinner thighs. Fuller hair.
You know the right de-stressers. Energizers.
Sleekers. Slimmers.
And you know what to read.
Mademoiselle.
-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? It doesn't show the dirt.-Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price-Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.-Why are most brunettes flat-chested? It make
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off."
She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.
All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."
Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
-It doesn't show the dirt
Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
-Fisher-Price.
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
-The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
-It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
-It matches their mustache.
Why is the color brunette considered evil?
-When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?
How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
-Check her for a pulse.
What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
-A brunette rabbit
What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
-"What part of 'yes' do you not understand?"
Why did God create brunettes?
-So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
-The invitation.
Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
-From their more...
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she
recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails
and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up with string, These
are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident, Fixodent and
dentures and glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my more...