Garage Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once there was a little boy named Jimmy. One day jimmy asked his Dad if he could take a shower with him. His Dad said OK but don't look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked down and said "Daddy what's that?" His Dad said that is my limo. That same day Jimmy asked his mother if he could take a shower with her. She said OK but only if you don't look up and you don't look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked up and asked "What are those?" and his mom said those are my head lights. Then Jimmy looked down and he asked his mom "What is that?" She said that is my garage. Jimmy said Oh! Later that evening Jimmy decided that he wanted to sleep with his parents in their bed. They said OK but don't look under the covers. The next morning at the breakfast table Jimmy exclamed
"Mommy! Last night I squeesed your head lights to make them turn on but it didn't work! Jimmy!" his mother yelled. "Why did you do that? Well," Jimmy began, " more...

ACURA
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AMC
All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI
Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical more...

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her more...

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.10.What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice more...

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his more...