Funeral Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man who had been prescribed Viagra dies "in the act" and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."
"Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a more...

three guys are at a one guy says when i pass on i want them to say he looks good, was a good father and good husband.the second one says when i die i want them to look at me and say he was a good man in the community, helped people in need, always there when someone needed me and so on.the third one says when they see me in the coffin i want them to say look he is moving.

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

The city of Beloit, Wisconsin held a symbolic funeral for the N-word, putting to rest the offensive term. The deceased is survived by his S.O.B. kids and his C-word wife.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who had just passed away. As the pall bearers are carrying the casket out at the end of the service, they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
Suddenly they hear a faint moan. When they open the casket they find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
Once more, a funeral is being held at the same church and at the end of the service the pall bearers are again carrying the casket out.
As they are walking, the husband shouts out, "Watch out for the wall!"

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $100, 000 in my savings account at the bank."

The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100, 000 more...

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?

"I'm a gynecologist."