Fruitcake Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to Tell if You're a GrinchThis is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell more...

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.)
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for more...

1. Go to the crafts store.
2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of
paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.
3. Return home.
4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-
out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better
yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it
for insulation in the attic.
5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the
disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently
pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.
6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.
7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding
the fruit.
8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and
finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a
warm glow to the "fruitcake."
9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you more...

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you more...

Items Needed:

-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallot
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!