Fed Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Just a few thoughts from 1999....by Steven Wright

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE!

    If Fed Ex & UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    If quitters never win & winners never quit, what fool came up w/"Quit while you're ahead"?

    Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the more...

    Day 1 Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las
    night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree
    would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
    Day 2 Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got
    was 2 scrawny pigeon.
    Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
    Day 3 Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of
    eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to
    Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog,
    Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting
    rooster.
    Day 4 Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez
    four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all
    da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the
    rest of dem to the gators.
    Day 5 Dear Emile, You finally sent more...

    One day Luke gets fed up with life as a farmer so he goes to see Old Ben the local magician.

    Luke: Ben I'm really fed up being a farmer can you turn me into something else?

    Ben: Like what?

    Luke: Well I guess it would be cool to be a Dewback.

    Ben: Ok but only if you're sure.

    Luke: I'm sure all right but let me go off and have one last drink as a human.

    Luke goes off to have his drink.

    Owen and Beru are getting worried so they go and see Old Ben to see if he knows where Luke is.

    Owen: Hey Ben have you seen Luke today?

    Ben: Yes. he's gone for a drink but he won't be Dewback until later.

    A man was fed up of having his car broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he would remove it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there is no point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new note where his had left his, saying just checking.!

    (Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hill Billies)
    Come and listen to a story' bout a man named Jed,
    A poor College kid barely kept his family fed,
    But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
    He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
    VAX that is. .. CRT's... Workstations;
    Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
    The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
    They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
    So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
    Motorola that is... dry heat... no amusement parks;
    On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
    Fed him more donuts and sat him in a tube,
    They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
    Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
    OT that is... Unpaid... Mandatory
    The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
    Someschedules slipped and some managers were more...

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