Education Jokes / Recent Jokes
How to Argue and Win Every Time
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
*Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
*Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to more...
Father: I see you got a D for conduct but an A for courtesy. How is that possible?
Son: Whenever I kick someone I apologize.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again.
"Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! more...
A social studies teacher was talking to his class about people's last names and how, in the old days, their last name used to be their occupation.
"For example," the teacher said, "Baker meant the person was a baker for a living, Miller meant the person worked in a paper mill, and so on."
At that point, one of the students raised his hand.
"Do you have an example for the class, Todd?" the teacher asked.
"No, not really," replied Todd, "more of a question."
"What's your question?" inquired the teacher.
"What did John Hancock for a living?" Todd asked.
Business Rules to Live By
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home more...
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, so she asked, "My name begins with the letter' M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"