Drinks Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of whiskey. He drinks the first shot and pours the second over his left hand. Then, he orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again pours the second over his left hand. He repeats this a third time.
Seeing all of this and becoming very curious, the bartender says, "Hey fella, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are you wasting good drinks?"
"I'm getting my date drunk!" the guy replies.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK more...

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a. 22 rifle."

He was right!

The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So more...

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, more...

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks. One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, "51!!" "51!!" The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast "51". This happens a few times. Finally, the bartender speaks up. "Excuse me," He says, "But why do you ladies keep doing that?" "Well," Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, "We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!"

Three guys are sitting at a bar: One from Hawaii, one from California, and one from New York. The guy from Hawaii says, "Where I come from people are so nice that after you've had two drinks at the bar the guy next to you will buy you your third."

The guy from California thinks about this for a second and says, "Well that's nothing where I come from, after you've had one drink the guy next to you will by you your second."

The man from New York thinks about this and then replies, "Yeah well, where I come from you sit down at the bar and the guy next to you buys you your first, second, third and fourth drink, takes you around the town in their Mustang, and then take you home and lay you till next Sunday!"

The two men look at him amazed as the man takes a sip of his beer and then says, "Well at least that's what my sister tells me!"

Adam

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box". The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer." So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano! Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?" The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp"The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer." The man says "Oh, Okay!"The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out! The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is more...