Drinks Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, more...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

3 men sell their bodies to science, for an exsperiment on a new military weapon to scare enemy soldiers by turning them into the enemies idea of the most scary, repulsive idea possible temporarily. The first man has his wife looking at him, drinks the chemical, and turns into a half-fish half-octopus with fur. The second guy has his therapist looking at him, and turns into a giant bald hamster with a snake head. The third guy has his girlfriend looking at him, he drinks the chemical. Nothing happens.

A very British one:
0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.
6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7. Send more...

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, “A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you’re at it, have one yourself. ”
“Well thank you sir, ” says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, “Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else. ”
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, “Excuse me sir, but don’t you think you should pay me for that last round first? ”
The guy slurs, “I can’t. I don’t have any money. ” With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, “A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends. ”
“I suppose you’ll be offering me a drink too? ” the barman asks, marvelling at the guy’s nerve.
“Not likely, ” slurs the guy, “you get nasty when you’ve had a drink! ”

There is a American guy, a German guy, and Santa Claus. The american guy walks int he bar and says what is the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 0. The american guy says give me 50. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eats your balls eat your wennie.
The German guy walks in the bar and says whats the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 50. The German guy says give me 100. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie.
Then Santa Claus walks in and says whats the bar drinkin record. Thae bartender says 100. Santa says give me 200. He drinks the all and goes to the bathroom. Again the gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie. Santa says well im the gohst of Christmas past touch me balls i kick your ass!

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more...