Diary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Diary,
Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!
Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So, I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:

Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of more...

WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support away from the president, congress today announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday. Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary,' Meat is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a litter of small kittens." A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a slight rise in the president's more...

Have you heard about the blonde that started writing a diary of all her thoughts?
Yes, after 3 years she is on the second page now.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary,' A girl's best friends are her own two legs.' On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary,' I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs.' On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary,' There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.'

The Dog's Diary:

Day number 180

8: 00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9: 40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11: 30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12: 00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5: 00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5: 30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8: 00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9: 40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11: 30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12: 00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5: 00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5: 30 PM - more...

425 b.c. Day One
Dear Diary,
First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem
happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it
was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard
side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to
"straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get
Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and
on...) So, off to bed...
425 b.c. Day Three
Dear Diary,
Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left to
see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful
attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read
those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now
if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean,
I'll be in more...

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I`m an idiot."