Cut Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

A young boy had justgotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Once Santa And Banta Bought 2 Horses. But They Were Very Confused. They Were Troubled Because They Could Not Recognise Their Horses. After Some Time Santa Hit Upon An Idea. He Said That He Would Cut The Tail Of His Horse. Banta Said O. K. But Banta Had The Disease Of Night Walking. He Got Up In Night And Cut The Tail Of His Own Horse Too. In The Morning Both Of Them Were Surprised To See That The Tail Of Bantas Horse Wetre Notthere. Then Tehy Were Agin Troubled. Thistime Santa Had The Idea To Cut The Legs Of His Horse. But That Idea Also Failed. Then Both Of Them Started Thinking Seriously. Then Banta Said That, "I Have An Idea". Santa Asked What. Then Banta Told Him That," I Will Take The Black Horse And You Will Take The White Horse

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction." Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?" "Dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the cock on it?!"

A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.
The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, “You need to take off your headphones. ”
Blonde: “I can’t, I’ll just die! ”
The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, “You really have to take off your headphones. ”
Blonde: “I can’t, I’ll just die! ”
The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, “Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones! ”
Blonde: “I can’t, I’ll just die! ”
The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde’s headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.
The barber picks up the headphones and listens. “Breathe In… Breathe Out… Breathe In… Breathe Out…”

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off."

She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.

All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."