Couple Jokes / Recent Jokes

A redneck couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
The woman said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam," replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

The wedding date was set and three of the groom's best friends, a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist, were deciding what pranks they would play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that sawing the slats off their bed would give them a couple of laughs.
The electrician decided that wiring their bed with alternating current would be worth a chuckle or two.
The dentist wouldn't reveal what he had done, but wore a sly grin and promised that his prank would be a memorable one.
The wedding went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's three friends receive a letter which read:
Dear Friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed and the electric shock was merely a minor setback. But, I am going to strangle the wise guy who put the novocaine in the vaseline!

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language "Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?".
The wife replies in sign language, "if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don't want to have sex bite my left nipple twice".
Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.
The husband replies "Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't want to have sex pull penis 27 times".

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No more...

During an interplanetary social-exchange visit, a Meklar couple suggested to the guest earthling couple that they swap wives for the night. When one pair were alone and the Meklar male had stripped, the earth woman noticed that his penis was very tiny. But he proceeded to twirl a finger in one ear, which caused his organ to lengthen considerably, and then he stuck his finger in his other ear and his cock got wider and wider.
The next night, the earth woman asked her husband how his session went. "Not so well," he replied, "Not only did that Meklar woman have the biggest pussy I've ever seen; she kept distracting me by tickling my ears like crazy

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?"
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the more...

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by anddeposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."